I Choose Today to Return to My First Love

I almost didn’t record this episode.

Not because I didn’t have time… but because I didn’t feel like I had anything to give.

I just got back from a trip to Colorado. It was full, full of people, full of moments, full of connection. At the end of my trip, I attended the Kerygma Conference in Hendersonville, Tennessee. Over a thousand women gathered together, powerful messages, beautiful worship.

And yet… if I’m being completely honest, I still felt distant.

Not from people. From the Lord.

That’s hard to admit, because I never want this space to feel negative or heavy. But I’ve learned something important, if I only show up when everything feels strong and steady, then I’m not inviting you into a real walk with God. I’m inviting you into a filtered version of one.

So today, I’m not coming to you full.

I’m coming to you honest.

And for me, this is what it’s looked like.

Before I stepped into ministry, I was pouring into the people around me, but it came out of the natural rhythm of life. It wasn’t forced. It wasn’t constant. It just flowed from being with the Lord.

But somewhere along the way, as I stepped into ministry, the pace changed. I found myself pouring out more… and at a deeper level… while still carrying the normal rhythms of life.

And before I even realized it, I was giving out more than I was receiving.

Not because Jesus was holding anything back from me… but because I had stepped out of balance.

And I didn’t notice it right away, because I was still showing up. Still doing the right things. But something underneath had shifted.

There’s a phrase that has followed me this entire trip: return to your first love.

I’ve heard it more than once, in quiet moments, in prayer, and then again confirmed through one of the speakers at the conference.

And even after hearing it, even after being surrounded by worship and truth, I still didn’t feel that closeness I’ve been missing.

For a moment, that could feel discouraging.

But maybe we misunderstand what’s happening in moments like this.

Feeling distant doesn’t always mean God is far. Sometimes it means He’s inviting us deeper.

In Revelation 2:4-5, Jesus calls the church back, not with condemnation, but with invitation. Not to do more, but to return.

And I think that’s where I am.

Not burned out. Not walking away. Just aware that somewhere in the doing, I’ve missed Him.

Not completely. But deeply.

And I miss that closeness.

Maybe you know what that feels like.

You’re still showing up. Still praying, still reading, still going to church. But something feels quieter. More distant.

Not gone… just not as close.

And the temptation is to fix it, to recreate what we used to feel, to press harder, to try to manufacture what once came naturally.

But relationship doesn’t work like that.

James 4:8 doesn’t say to feel close first. It simply says to draw near.

Even when it feels quiet.

Even when it feels distant.

Even when your heart isn’t responding the way you expected.

That’s where I am right now.

I didn’t have some big emotional moment at the conference. But I walked away with something more important: an invitation.

Return.

And I’m choosing to trust that even if I don’t feel it yet, He is still there. He hasn’t moved.

Mark 1:35 reminds us that even Jesus stepped away from the demands to be with the Father.

Not because He had nothing to give, but because He knew where everything came from.

And maybe that’s what we need, too.

Not more effort.

Not more output.

Just space to return.

I’ve been praying about taking a break, not from God, but from the constant output, to reconnect with Him.

Not walking away from what He has called me to…
just creating space to sit with Him again.

Because I don’t want to build something that looks strong on the outside but is disconnected at the source.
I don’t want to keep pouring out…
if I’m not sitting with the One who fills me.

So maybe the question for you today is simple:

Have I been doing things for God without being with Him?

If the answer is yes, there’s no shame in that.

Just an invitation.

Return.

Today’s step is simple.

Don’t try to fix the feeling. Don’t try to have the perfect quiet time.

Just sit with Him and say what’s true:

“Lord, I miss You.”

That’s it.

Because even if you don’t feel the closeness right away, you can trust this:

He is still there.

And He is faithful.